i'd rather hurt, than feel nothin' at all
actually, that's a lie... i can't seem to be handling these emotions you've strung along
Thursday, October 15, 2009
i have recently found a joy for riding quads...
i just got back from Winchester Bay, OR today; i went there and spent time with some amazing people and followers of Christ. i am forever thankful.
while we were there we stayed on the sand dunes and just rode quads and hung out all day, for 3 days. i am so thankful for the sharing of other's quads, since i, myself didn't have one of my own... i now have a craving to get my own quad and make a trip like this annual and often.
someday... (:
i just got back from Winchester Bay, OR today; i went there and spent time with some amazing people and followers of Christ. i am forever thankful.
while we were there we stayed on the sand dunes and just rode quads and hung out all day, for 3 days. i am so thankful for the sharing of other's quads, since i, myself didn't have one of my own... i now have a craving to get my own quad and make a trip like this annual and often.
someday... (:
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
importance
i can't believe it, but i'm doing something i said i wouldn't do for at least quite some time... until i'd healed and gotten stronger, wiser.
what an idiot.
i'm setting myself up for disappointment again. things might be a little different this time around, but it still seems like no matter what i do, i could still never be good enough, or exacly the right thing. sometimes i feel childish and out of my league. i'm definately not allowing myself to change for this, but the fact that the ME that i've allowed to be shown doesn't seem good enough. and that's what hurts at the moment. things are still so confusing and unclear. i'm so mad at myself for how weak i may seem at this... so pathetic and unexperienced.
i'm still constantly working on myself to open up and pray for some more advancement.
but yes, this is a different situation and things have advanced... let's just hope God has a great plan, i'm trusting Him w/where ever He's takin me with this. i'm trying to be patient and remind myself that there's all the time in the world for something to happen. i'd rather things go slowly, than really fast and rushed. i just hope i am of some importance, no matter where this ends up.
ps, i'd like to say that i'm so grateful to have someone in my life, someone who i can relate with and is now in the loophole of things. of all people, i'm so surprised i've become so close... that is, to have all of this out in the open. i'd like to thank her for all of her loving support and encouragement.
what an idiot.
i'm setting myself up for disappointment again. things might be a little different this time around, but it still seems like no matter what i do, i could still never be good enough, or exacly the right thing. sometimes i feel childish and out of my league. i'm definately not allowing myself to change for this, but the fact that the ME that i've allowed to be shown doesn't seem good enough. and that's what hurts at the moment. things are still so confusing and unclear. i'm so mad at myself for how weak i may seem at this... so pathetic and unexperienced.
i'm still constantly working on myself to open up and pray for some more advancement.
but yes, this is a different situation and things have advanced... let's just hope God has a great plan, i'm trusting Him w/where ever He's takin me with this. i'm trying to be patient and remind myself that there's all the time in the world for something to happen. i'd rather things go slowly, than really fast and rushed. i just hope i am of some importance, no matter where this ends up.
ps, i'd like to say that i'm so grateful to have someone in my life, someone who i can relate with and is now in the loophole of things. of all people, i'm so surprised i've become so close... that is, to have all of this out in the open. i'd like to thank her for all of her loving support and encouragement.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
my own life
i have had a lot of motivation for some more photography lately. yet i still haven't fulfilled that aspiration.
i wish i had an amazing camera and an unlimited supply of memory cards; that's all i'd need. i'd go anywhere, travel far and wide, just to take pictures 24/7. i'd never go home and i'd never get bored. photography is my passion, and i honestly can't wait until my last year of high school is over and i'm on my way to college... to focus on learning everything about my passion and then escaping into my own life. one that is all mine and one i can do whatever i want with. i wanna be successful and say that i've actually done something with my life. i wanna surround myself with those that inspire me and those that i love. i wanna make something of myself and love what i do. i don't ever wanna say i hate my job or regret anything. and i don't wanna be like my parents and walk in their footsteps. i think i'm proud to say that i've went through some things in my life, so i could learn and determine what i truly want in MY OWN, soon-to-be adult life; so i can know what's right and wrong and what can ruin my future... so i can't ever question my motives or have any doubt. i wanna keep this motivation and fight for my happiness.
so that i can make the best of my one-and-only, short amount of lifetime.
i am, by far, ready to start MY own life, and follow my dreams.
this picture is of Greece btw; one of the many places i hope to "photograph" one of these days.
Monday, August 31, 2009
senior year
school started a couple weeks ago and it's going pretty good. yes, i started at a new school...again! that's a new school every year of my high school career. lol but it's okay, it allows me to "know" lots of people. ;p
anyways, i already had to write a poem in english, so i figured i'd share it with y'all(:
anyways, hope everyone else's school year is kickin off with a great start!
anyways, i already had to write a poem in english, so i figured i'd share it with y'all(:
Where I’m From
I am from softballs,
from Dudley and Worth.
I am from the grease on the garage floor.
(Chrome, rustic, like an automobile junkyard.)
I am from the walnut tree,
the almond blossoms.
Those long, never-ending rows of my childhood summers.
I am from late night card games and blue eyes,
from Mimi and Poppy.
I am from the can-do-attitudes and the know-it-alls,
from set the table and clear your plate.
I am from He is my Holy Savior,
from Sunday service, overpowering worship.
I’m from Nor Cal and Italian blood,
from homemade rigatoni and sweet tea.
From the dinner table with all the talks about family in the Mafia,
to me actually believing it.
On the top shelf of my dresser is a dusty container,
completely stuffed full of random photos,
a timeline of forgotten faces.
I am from those memories, left behind,
the early stages of my childhood.
anyways, hope everyone else's school year is kickin off with a great start!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
"But you are chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light."
1 Peter 2:9
after the BarlowGirl acoustic worship concert, i bought a poster with this verse on it, and i also had BarlowGirl sign it! this was also the same verse that Lauren Barlow read aloud to everyone toward the end of the show. with this verse, she explained that we shouldn't be wishing and waiting around for change in the world, waiting for someone to come along and do something; instead we should be that someone. we should go out into the world and become someone; MAKE HISTORY! God wanted this generation to be the generation for change!
BarlowGirl wrote a song about this, and it's called Million Voices:
Tell me who’d have thought that we would be so controversial
And stand up against the normal
Are we too outspoken, loud, and messing up the comfortable
Well we’ve been messed up also
Yeah, yeah
But how can we be silent
When a fire burns inside of us
Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we here
With a million voices breaking silence till
They’ll remember we were here
We were made to start the riot, take on the impossible
And we will slay the giants
We are done with fake religion
fighting now to find the movement
Won’t stop till we find it
How can we be silent
When a fire burns inside of us
Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we here
With a million voices breaking silence till
They’ll remember we were here
We’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we were here
With a million voices breaking silence till
They’ll remember we were here
Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we here
With a million voices breaking silence till
They’ll remember we were here
They’ll remember we were here
You will remember
Yes you’ll remember
You will remember
Yes you’ll remember
BarlowGirl
On Thursday, the girls of my youth group (which consisted of all 6 of us;p) went to a BarlowGirl Acoustic Worship Concert at a big church in Redding. and they were amazing! i didn't really know who they were before i went, but i seriously fell in love with them! they're a christian band and they're so inspirational and beautiful. their voices are amazing! anyways, i learned so much from them that night and i'm forever grateful! i highly reccommend that you check them out(: BarlowGirl.com myspace.com/barlowgirl
"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. i believe in love even when i don't feel it. and i believe in God even when He is silent."
"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. i believe in love even when i don't feel it. and i believe in God even when He is silent."
Monday, July 20, 2009
17
today is my birthday; so i figured that gives me a pretty legit reason to post another blog. i'll be 17 years old at 1:54pm. i don't feel any different, just blah. maybe it's because i'm trying to get through each day with a crushed heart and questioning uncertain motives... ehh, whatever. i have to get over it, it wasn't meant to happen; i just wish this all didn't have to happen right now, around this very day.
so i'll try to make the best of today, even if nothing special is going on. i've decided that i'm gonna focus on my dieting and exercise, getting a job, loving the Lord, friends and family, and soon-school. no boys. i'm done for a while, i need to heal before i set myself up for another disappointment.
so i'll try to make the best of today, even if nothing special is going on. i've decided that i'm gonna focus on my dieting and exercise, getting a job, loving the Lord, friends and family, and soon-school. no boys. i'm done for a while, i need to heal before i set myself up for another disappointment.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
yesterday i got the best gift for my birthday; it was from Katelyn, the sweetest girl i know. she is such a great friend and she shares her love for God with me. i'm so blessed to have her in my life.
anyways, during our softball season, we were going down to Chico for a game on the bus when she pulled out a journal full of all her bible verses. this was when i realized how truly dedicated and loving she was with the Lord. and i told her that i wanted a journal like that too, because i was at the point where i was reconnecting with God and i figured that was a great way to start.
and so she got me one for my birthday! i can't believe she remembered, but i'm so thankful! she even wrote me a note on the first page and a verse that reminded her of me. (: oh, and she also included a starbucks gift card! ;p
so today i started writing and recording in my journal. i've included this verse:
now it's one of my new prized possessions.
i love you katelyn! (:
anyways, during our softball season, we were going down to Chico for a game on the bus when she pulled out a journal full of all her bible verses. this was when i realized how truly dedicated and loving she was with the Lord. and i told her that i wanted a journal like that too, because i was at the point where i was reconnecting with God and i figured that was a great way to start.
and so she got me one for my birthday! i can't believe she remembered, but i'm so thankful! she even wrote me a note on the first page and a verse that reminded her of me. (: oh, and she also included a starbucks gift card! ;p
so today i started writing and recording in my journal. i've included this verse:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...
instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
1 peter 3:3,4
now it's one of my new prized possessions.
i love you katelyn! (:
Friday, July 17, 2009
love/hate
i have this love/hate relationship for you right now.
i hate how you've controlled my emotions and controlled my mood for the past few weeks. i hate how you've confused me with ur actions and flirtations. i hate that you've been in my dreams and have consumed most of my mind. i hate that you're not interested and that you have her now.
but what i hate most of all is myself; for overanalyzing everything and thinking that i actually had a chance. i actually put myself out there and pushed myself to be less shy; and yet i still failed. i can't ever be good enough. i also hate that i'm still interested, still having some form of hope. why is this? i need to get over you and move on!
but i can't blame you, because you didn't know what you were doing to me...
i hate how you've controlled my emotions and controlled my mood for the past few weeks. i hate how you've confused me with ur actions and flirtations. i hate that you've been in my dreams and have consumed most of my mind. i hate that you're not interested and that you have her now.
but what i hate most of all is myself; for overanalyzing everything and thinking that i actually had a chance. i actually put myself out there and pushed myself to be less shy; and yet i still failed. i can't ever be good enough. i also hate that i'm still interested, still having some form of hope. why is this? i need to get over you and move on!
but i can't blame you, because you didn't know what you were doing to me...
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
i feel like i'm running out of time. i need way more chances, or should i just give up now?
Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love"
this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever
holding onto patience, wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on"
Hallelujah by: Paramore
Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love"
this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever
holding onto patience, wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on"
Hallelujah by: Paramore
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
i'm going insane with curiousity. and i'm anxious, but i don't know why... well i do know why, but i know that i shouldn't be. my stomach is doing backflips every 5 seconds and my mind can't stop thinking things over. i'm trying to decode those actions and emotions, probably overthinking everything. i need to stop doing this to myself. i'm hurting myself because this is too good to be true.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
My Sister's Keeper
was amazing! i almost cried about every 15 minutes, but it was such a touching movie. it touched all of my emotions; it was humorous at times and romantic at another - sad at times and happy at another. you should definately check it out if you're into that kinda stuff(:
not much else to say. MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 19 DAYS!!
i'm trying to come up with something fun to do, but that mindset isn't going too great. but i'm sure something will come up; although this is kind of last minute; as is everything in my life.
Oh! and i NEED a job!!! i've procrastinated about it for too long! i'm going to take action tomorrow(: redoing my resume.
anyways, i'm out. super tired.
lovealways;morgan
not much else to say. MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 19 DAYS!!
i'm trying to come up with something fun to do, but that mindset isn't going too great. but i'm sure something will come up; although this is kind of last minute; as is everything in my life.
Oh! and i NEED a job!!! i've procrastinated about it for too long! i'm going to take action tomorrow(: redoing my resume.
anyways, i'm out. super tired.
lovealways;morgan
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Turbo Jam
i just recently started an exercising program called Turbo Jam. heard of it?
well anyways, oh my goodness it's amazing. i love it! i've lost 40 pounds on my own before this, so hopefully turbo jam will give me the extra boost i need to reach my goal of about 60 more pounds!!
tomorrow should be a great day:
lunch at Togo's with Katelyn and then we're going to see My Sister's Keeper:)
then i'm going to watch my sister's softball game
then youth group!!
i'm excited:DDDD
i hope everyone is having a great summer!
gotta go work out.
lovealways;morgan
well anyways, oh my goodness it's amazing. i love it! i've lost 40 pounds on my own before this, so hopefully turbo jam will give me the extra boost i need to reach my goal of about 60 more pounds!!
tomorrow should be a great day:
lunch at Togo's with Katelyn and then we're going to see My Sister's Keeper:)
then i'm going to watch my sister's softball game
then youth group!!
i'm excited:DDDD
i hope everyone is having a great summer!
gotta go work out.
lovealways;morgan
Sunday, June 28, 2009
first impressions
i've come to a conclusion that all boys are the same; even if they go to ur church, they're all the same; end of story.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wild at Heart
i have a modest soul, yet i'm wild at heart.
from now on i'm going to remember the present and forget the past. there's been so much that has happened since i last posted, so i'm going to forget about it and write about my life from this day on. to put it simply; i'm not going to bore you with random crazy life struggles of mine in the past few months. so let's start on a good note.
here's a country song that i believe completely defines all the aspects of summertime:
Down a back road
Long, hot summer
A couple kids runnin' loose and wild
He kissed her
She said mister,
Take an inch and I'll give you a mile
I ain't here to do anything half-way
Don't give a damn what anyone might say
I just wanna free fall for a while
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
About midnight, he tells her
I ain't got no come-on lines
Well I'll love you, or I'll try to
We got nothing to lose but time
Stick your hand into my back pocket
Light me up like a bottle rocket
I just wanna free fall for a while
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leadin'
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
O-oh, alright
Tonight is tellin' us we're way too young
O-oh, that's alright
I've got forever on the tip of my tongue
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
O-oh, alright...
"Wild at Heart" by Gloriana. check it out(:
from now on i'm going to remember the present and forget the past. there's been so much that has happened since i last posted, so i'm going to forget about it and write about my life from this day on. to put it simply; i'm not going to bore you with random crazy life struggles of mine in the past few months. so let's start on a good note.
here's a country song that i believe completely defines all the aspects of summertime:
Down a back road
Long, hot summer
A couple kids runnin' loose and wild
He kissed her
She said mister,
Take an inch and I'll give you a mile
I ain't here to do anything half-way
Don't give a damn what anyone might say
I just wanna free fall for a while
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
About midnight, he tells her
I ain't got no come-on lines
Well I'll love you, or I'll try to
We got nothing to lose but time
Stick your hand into my back pocket
Light me up like a bottle rocket
I just wanna free fall for a while
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leadin'
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
O-oh, alright
Tonight is tellin' us we're way too young
O-oh, that's alright
I've got forever on the tip of my tongue
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy slide
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,You got me runnin' baby,Wild at heart
O-oh, alright...
"Wild at Heart" by Gloriana. check it out(:
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Procrastination
this simple little word is what shows up most in my vocabulary lately. it packs such a powerful punch to every part of my body. it's screaming Proctrastinator! and it's knocking me down.
i found out there's about 5 different types of procrastinastion and i've recently been awarded 4 out of 5. perfectionist. dreamer. worrier. and overdoer. and now i've thought of a brand new one: blogblocker... i haven't been blogging as much i would like, mostly because i don't have the time or motivation. no motivation simply because i know no one else cares. i'm 99.9% sure that i'm the only one who reads every single blog of mine. so what's the point? and every little piece of my life is constantly changing; too fast to take some time to write all of it down. my mind is just simply incapable of decoding my deepest feelings into words. it's frustrating. i'm thinking of flat-out deleting this whole thing, but something inside of me tells me not to. so i guess i'll just be postponing it for a while, or until i absolutely feel the need to "produce" another blog every now and then.
i found out there's about 5 different types of procrastinastion and i've recently been awarded 4 out of 5. perfectionist. dreamer. worrier. and overdoer. and now i've thought of a brand new one: blogblocker... i haven't been blogging as much i would like, mostly because i don't have the time or motivation. no motivation simply because i know no one else cares. i'm 99.9% sure that i'm the only one who reads every single blog of mine. so what's the point? and every little piece of my life is constantly changing; too fast to take some time to write all of it down. my mind is just simply incapable of decoding my deepest feelings into words. it's frustrating. i'm thinking of flat-out deleting this whole thing, but something inside of me tells me not to. so i guess i'll just be postponing it for a while, or until i absolutely feel the need to "produce" another blog every now and then.
Friday, January 30, 2009
confused
I feel so confused and so far from God right now. i can't seem to trust him, trust anyone for that matter. and i'm just so locked up and i just can't let my guard down to anyone. i tell the Lord everything. my deepest secrets even, and i've cried the most before Him. but i'm just not trusting him with life's twists and turns. i don't know what he has for me in the future and sometimes i don't understand why my life is what it is right now. and i'm wondering why it isn't going anywhere. i'm constantly telling myself to be patient and wait a little longer. i'm starting to think that i'm not truely "saved" but that thought is impossible. i know it is. i just feel like an outsider; always having to prove myself to Him and always having to ask Him to come into my life everynight. idk, it's hard to explain (as is everything). but i pray everynight and sometimes a few throughout the day and yet i still feel so far away. i'm not blaming Him or anything, and i'm not expecting for everything i ask to come true, i just want answers. i "officially" asked Him to come into my life and completely have control over it this summer. and i asked Him to provide me the correct insight to Him.
i've been reading some Christian books and the one i'm reading right now is incredible. i have so much in common with the main character it's crazy. there are about 8 books in the series and i have them all except for one. and they're all about finding Christ again. the stories unfold in a way that each girl is somewhat distant from God and they become closer to Him and everything seems to fall into place. and it seems like i have all the problems of all the girls put into one. i want things to fall into place and feel free. i wanna feel open minded and just completely washed away with negative insights. i wanna be clear minded and completely sure of myself.
but i guess i'll keep trying to figure this all out. can anyone else help me? i'm completely lost. :\
i've just been really emotional lately and i have no one to talk to. me and my sister haven't really been talking that deeply. idk, i mean i finally told her my deepest secret and yet i know she wouldn't judge me, but i think she thinks it's pathetic and crazy. like it doesn't fit in with her "standards". i just don't know if i can really trust her. it's sad i know, but that's how "locked up" i am. i've been realizing that i can't let anyone into my life without loving myself first. like i have to love myself before i can love others. idk, it's a silly thought, but i believe it's true. i have very little respect for myself, but i'm working on changing that!
i've found that i'm completely comfortable with listening and hearing about other people's lives, but when it comes to talking about mine, i just can't. i just don't feel worthy enough. like i'm too low and everyone else is too great. i don't think anyone lately has just flat out told me that they wanna "know me". and i believe that no one in this universe (only the Lord) truly "knows" me.
i don't think most of the people actually in my life know how much they mean to me. just people at school or mear acquantances who treat me with respect and are truly nice to me mean a lot to me too. the fact that they actually noticed me is a nice thought. but that doesn't happen often, and when it does happen, it ends quickly; too good to be true.
and i've been missing this someone. the only one who has come remotely close to getting to know who i truly am on the inside. she makes me feel like i'm worth something and although i haven't actually met her, she's still my life preserver. her words are my cure to this disease called depression. without her these past few weeks, i've been completely lost, breaking myself down again, reaching the bottom fairly soon. i don't know if she actually truly knows this, but she's very close to my heart. it might sound weird especially since this is such a complicated situation. and if she reads this, i think she'd know this was about her, so i hope she doesn't think i'm a complete lunatic or stalker. but she's inspired me to be a better person and i honestly think that the Lord has brought her into my life for a reason, even if it is over cyber space. she's one of the main reasons i've attemped to thrive for a better relationship with God. and i thank her so much for that.
and i'm trying to be patient, waiting for her to come in contact with me again. i just need her right now. idk why, but she's highly important to me (like near the top of my list) and i don't think she feels the same about me. but that's okay, i'm use to others coming before me. i haven't been the most important person to anyone ever, i think. and not the most important friend(like a best friend) in the longest time. and i don't expect to be from her. she has her own life on the other side of the country with people she's known way longer than me. it makes sense. i just feel completely pathetic right now. and i hope ya'll don't think i'm in a mental institute. these are my feelings, plain and simple. i can't help them.
now i think i've completely lost my mind, trying to explain all this.
well, now that i've completely spilled my heart out to whoever has read this (which i'm doubting was even anyone) i think i'm gonna stop making a fool out of myself.
lovealways;morgan
i'll be patient. i wanna trust you and know that everything is okay and that you're in control of my life. but i need a sign Lord, i need a sign. even if it is just a deep little feeling on the inside.
i've been reading some Christian books and the one i'm reading right now is incredible. i have so much in common with the main character it's crazy. there are about 8 books in the series and i have them all except for one. and they're all about finding Christ again. the stories unfold in a way that each girl is somewhat distant from God and they become closer to Him and everything seems to fall into place. and it seems like i have all the problems of all the girls put into one. i want things to fall into place and feel free. i wanna feel open minded and just completely washed away with negative insights. i wanna be clear minded and completely sure of myself.
but i guess i'll keep trying to figure this all out. can anyone else help me? i'm completely lost. :\
i've just been really emotional lately and i have no one to talk to. me and my sister haven't really been talking that deeply. idk, i mean i finally told her my deepest secret and yet i know she wouldn't judge me, but i think she thinks it's pathetic and crazy. like it doesn't fit in with her "standards". i just don't know if i can really trust her. it's sad i know, but that's how "locked up" i am. i've been realizing that i can't let anyone into my life without loving myself first. like i have to love myself before i can love others. idk, it's a silly thought, but i believe it's true. i have very little respect for myself, but i'm working on changing that!
i've found that i'm completely comfortable with listening and hearing about other people's lives, but when it comes to talking about mine, i just can't. i just don't feel worthy enough. like i'm too low and everyone else is too great. i don't think anyone lately has just flat out told me that they wanna "know me". and i believe that no one in this universe (only the Lord) truly "knows" me.
i don't think most of the people actually in my life know how much they mean to me. just people at school or mear acquantances who treat me with respect and are truly nice to me mean a lot to me too. the fact that they actually noticed me is a nice thought. but that doesn't happen often, and when it does happen, it ends quickly; too good to be true.
and i've been missing this someone. the only one who has come remotely close to getting to know who i truly am on the inside. she makes me feel like i'm worth something and although i haven't actually met her, she's still my life preserver. her words are my cure to this disease called depression. without her these past few weeks, i've been completely lost, breaking myself down again, reaching the bottom fairly soon. i don't know if she actually truly knows this, but she's very close to my heart. it might sound weird especially since this is such a complicated situation. and if she reads this, i think she'd know this was about her, so i hope she doesn't think i'm a complete lunatic or stalker. but she's inspired me to be a better person and i honestly think that the Lord has brought her into my life for a reason, even if it is over cyber space. she's one of the main reasons i've attemped to thrive for a better relationship with God. and i thank her so much for that.
and i'm trying to be patient, waiting for her to come in contact with me again. i just need her right now. idk why, but she's highly important to me (like near the top of my list) and i don't think she feels the same about me. but that's okay, i'm use to others coming before me. i haven't been the most important person to anyone ever, i think. and not the most important friend(like a best friend) in the longest time. and i don't expect to be from her. she has her own life on the other side of the country with people she's known way longer than me. it makes sense. i just feel completely pathetic right now. and i hope ya'll don't think i'm in a mental institute. these are my feelings, plain and simple. i can't help them.
now i think i've completely lost my mind, trying to explain all this.
well, now that i've completely spilled my heart out to whoever has read this (which i'm doubting was even anyone) i think i'm gonna stop making a fool out of myself.
lovealways;morgan
i'll be patient. i wanna trust you and know that everything is okay and that you're in control of my life. but i need a sign Lord, i need a sign. even if it is just a deep little feeling on the inside.
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