confused

I feel so confused and so far from God right now. i can't seem to trust him, trust anyone for that matter. and i'm just so locked up and i just can't let my guard down to anyone. i tell the Lord everything. my deepest secrets even, and i've cried the most before Him. but i'm just not trusting him with life's twists and turns. i don't know what he has for me in the future and sometimes i don't understand why my life is what it is right now. and i'm wondering why it isn't going anywhere. i'm constantly telling myself to be patient and wait a little longer. i'm starting to think that i'm not truely "saved" but that thought is impossible. i know it is. i just feel like an outsider; always having to prove myself to Him and always having to ask Him to come into my life everynight. idk, it's hard to explain (as is everything). but i pray everynight and sometimes a few throughout the day and yet i still feel so far away. i'm not blaming Him or anything, and i'm not expecting for everything i ask to come true, i just want answers. i "officially" asked Him to come into my life and completely have control over it this summer. and i asked Him to provide me the correct insight to Him.
i've been reading some Christian books and the one i'm reading right now is incredible. i have so much in common with the main character it's crazy. there are about 8 books in the series and i have them all except for one. and they're all about finding Christ again. the stories unfold in a way that each girl is somewhat distant from God and they become closer to Him and everything seems to fall into place. and it seems like i have all the problems of all the girls put into one. i want things to fall into place and feel free. i wanna feel open minded and just completely washed away with negative insights. i wanna be clear minded and completely sure of myself.

but i guess i'll keep trying to figure this all out. can anyone else help me? i'm completely lost. :\
i've just been really emotional lately and i have no one to talk to. me and my sister haven't really been talking that deeply. idk, i mean i finally told her my deepest secret and yet i know she wouldn't judge me, but i think she thinks it's pathetic and crazy. like it doesn't fit in with her "standards". i just don't know if i can really trust her. it's sad i know, but that's how "locked up" i am. i've been realizing that i can't let anyone into my life without loving myself first. like i have to love myself before i can love others. idk, it's a silly thought, but i believe it's true. i have very little respect for myself, but i'm working on changing that!
i've found that i'm completely comfortable with listening and hearing about other people's lives, but when it comes to talking about mine, i just can't. i just don't feel worthy enough. like i'm too low and everyone else is too great. i don't think anyone lately has just flat out told me that they wanna "know me". and i believe that no one in this universe (only the Lord) truly "knows" me.

i don't think most of the people actually in my life know how much they mean to me. just people at school or mear acquantances who treat me with respect and are truly nice to me mean a lot to me too. the fact that they actually noticed me is a nice thought. but that doesn't happen often, and when it does happen, it ends quickly; too good to be true.

and i've been missing this someone. the only one who has come remotely close to getting to know who i truly am on the inside. she makes me feel like i'm worth something and although i haven't actually met her, she's still my life preserver. her words are my cure to this disease called depression. without her these past few weeks, i've been completely lost, breaking myself down again, reaching the bottom fairly soon. i don't know if she actually truly knows this, but she's very close to my heart. it might sound weird especially since this is such a complicated situation. and if she reads this, i think she'd know this was about her, so i hope she doesn't think i'm a complete lunatic or stalker. but she's inspired me to be a better person and i honestly think that the Lord has brought her into my life for a reason, even if it is over cyber space. she's one of the main reasons i've attemped to thrive for a better relationship with God. and i thank her so much for that.
and i'm trying to be patient, waiting for her to come in contact with me again. i just need her right now. idk why, but she's highly important to me (like near the top of my list) and i don't think she feels the same about me. but that's okay, i'm use to others coming before me. i haven't been the most important person to anyone ever, i think. and not the most important friend(like a best friend) in the longest time. and i don't expect to be from her. she has her own life on the other side of the country with people she's known way longer than me. it makes sense. i just feel completely pathetic right now. and i hope ya'll don't think i'm in a mental institute. these are my feelings, plain and simple. i can't help them.
now i think i've completely lost my mind, trying to explain all this.

well, now that i've completely spilled my heart out to whoever has read this (which i'm doubting was even anyone) i think i'm gonna stop making a fool out of myself.


lovealways;morgan

i'll be patient. i wanna trust you and know that everything is okay and that you're in control of my life. but i need a sign Lord, i need a sign. even if it is just a deep little feeling on the inside.