and 3 weeks leaves a lot of room for built up emotions and thoughts. so i believe this blog is gonna be super long. but i'll make things brief and go into more detail on certain subjects in future blogs. so whoever actually takes the time to read this whole thing, you're crazy. but i love youuu most of all!
First off, i think i've cried and prayed the hardest in the past few days than i have EVER. lately it seems like my life is worthless and pointless pretty much. i feel like i'm not going anywhere, basically taking on life day by day; just trying to survive. trapped. i have HUGE dreams for my future, yet they've all seemed to be shattered. i went to a college options appointment a couple weeks ago and that's when reality kicked in. i learned that everything is way too good to be true. my whole plans were torn apart and rethought; replanned into new, but not as great ones in my head. ughhh
well, some good news is that i finally completed my third and last behind-the-wheel driving class today. i got my certificate and have scheduled my official driving test on Feb 9th in Mt. Shasta. yup, that was the soonest opening in the area. but i'm happy. it's on a monday and i have grandparents up there. so we planned on going for the weekend and then missing school on monday. i'd be getting to drive around all weekend; getting familiar with the car and the area. so i'm excited.
school softball started last sunday. it was actually extremely easy. i was freaking out thinking it was going to be this huge conditioning ordeal. but it was way different than what i thought. and that's a good thing. (: i felt i did pretty good, but i'm still really intimidated. it's crazy. the only thing i'm confident in is slowly fading. idk, it's really hard to explain in words. my whole life i've been doing this sport but now, i don't see it as much in my future. everything revolved around softball and i looked forward to it; to the major leagues in little league, to high school ball, to college ball. and yet i've finally got this far and it's nothing special. i'm realizing that i didn't prepare myself enough. idk, softball was my only hope of success in my eyes for the longest time; the only thing i was really truely good at. and i always thought it was my ultimate way of getting out, getting a scholarship and becoming successful. i always dreamed of playing for a major college. but now, i don't really care. i might miss it a lot, but i don't think i'll have time for it, while i'm trying to create a career doing something completely different. ehh, there's so much more to all this but it just can't seem to come out.
moving on, it's been really warm and sunny this past week or two. i mean it's the middle of January and it's in the 70's. then again, this is the 3rd sunniest place in the nation. but still, we need rain and we got a little today; finally. but the lake is now a creek and we are officially in a drought. ehh, i'm just not ready for the summer heat yet. i want more gloomy days so it can give me an excuse to feel so crappy and emotional. pathetic huh? yeah, right now there are a lot of things i can't say on here because it's too pathetic or i just flat out can't explain it to ya. so i'll keep it all bottled up, and locked inside so that no one can have anymore reason to think little of me.
anyways, more soon. it's late and i'm tired.
lovealways;morgan
"Until you're mine, i have to find a way to fill this hole inside. i can't survive without you here by my side. Until you're mine, not gonna be even close to complete. i won't rest until you're mine. Mine..."
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